Recently, Tom Hanks was able to stop a robbery in progress; cracking up the perpetrators by doing his loveable Forest Gump impersonation. One of the felons, when questioned afterwards, explained his feelings toward the actor: "After I was arrested, I found myself still wanting to commit crime and to kill my fellow man, now I just try and do it sweetly. You see, Hanks impressed me. He as a lovable everyman quality that is easy to assimilate into my violent criminal mind."

Positive feelings toward Hanks have become so widespread that now Hank's wife encourages him to make love to other women. "He's earned it, she says, yes, I might feel a slight twinge of jealousy if I hear Tom's grunting sounds of sexual pleasure in the next room…but, then I remind myself how much good entertainment and great films Tom has made over the years and then I just sigh contentedly, turn off my night lamp and go to sleep. Tom's good nature even affected relations in the Middle East Arab and Israeli Leaders found Hanks' niceness infectious. So, they began to get silly and give each other noogies. They even argued over who should pay the check at dinner. Only one man does not love Tom Hanks…his onetime co-star, Peter Scolari.

After watching a televised biography of Tom Hanks, actor Peter Scolari grows enraged and begins a bitter rant against his onetime co-star: "Tom Hanks…he's got two academy awards and the whole Hollywood community in his pocket. I have a lousy Bosom Buddies keychain and a crushed M&M in my pocket. He has his footprints in the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. I just track muddy footprints all over my kitchen. Hey, I want the lovely Rita Wilson as my bride. I also wore a dress on "Bosom Buddies", paid my dues. Where's my Jim Lovell autographed moon rock?…Why aren't I compared to James Stewart in every breath?…and now the big goof is allowed to direct feature films. Hey, why don't we just hand over the keys of the universe to this guy?!"

Raving like a madman, Scolari sneaks onto the set of Hanks new romantic comedy, "Can You Hear My Heartsounds". He saunters up to Hanks, grabs a cup of Café Au Lait from a nearby table and throws it into Hanks face.

"aaah, Peter what the hell?…" "You screwed my life, you friggin idiot!…you with all your talent, your decency…you make me sick! And me, I can't even get a gig on a UPN comedy with Malcolm Jamal Warner. "Pete, if its a job you want…" "Ya know, I should just kill you now for making the world suffer through That Thing You Do." "It was just a small little film…a goofy little break from…" "Yeah, playing the same song in a movie 13 times, that's a good plan! I had that dorky tune in my head for days you stupid pig!" (Scolari knees Hanks in the ribs) "Ugggh… Pete please, for the love of God (gasp) calm down. You had a good career there for a while on the Newhart Show in the eighties"

"Acting with Newhart was a death sentence, you jerk! The man takes three lifetimes to stammer out a line, it was like working with Foghorn Leghorn!" (sees a folding chair nearby and wacks it over Hanks back. Hanks falls on the floor panting heavily)

"No, no don't Pete…please…you're a good actor, you are, you got the juice. Please!!!"

" Everyone thinks your the greatest. Film makers have you die of Aids and die a hero in World War Two…You're just the big martyr, aren't you?..What's your next role gonna be, Jesus Christ?…And to top it all off, even my wife now has sex dreams about you. One night I heard her shout out, "Oh, yes Forrest, do it, yes Forrest…you're not a smart man, but you know what love is!" "Maybe she was just a real good fan of the movie…" ( violently enraged, Scolari grabs a tripod, holds it high in the air) " Alright, die you miserable, mermaid lovin' freak!" Scolari brings down the tripod down hard on Hanks head. Hanks collapses. Scolari brings down another blow. Hanks tries to vainly struggle for air. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, actress Daryl Hannah appears on the set. She stridently walks over to Hanks writhing form and plants a final life-ending kick in his head…Hanks faintly moans, "Why Daryl, why?" and expires. When they are sure that Hanks is dead, Peter Scolari and Daryl Hannah clasp arms and proudly walk of the set.