Short Unproduced screenplays/sketches
What's Your Religion?
(Scene 1: City Street. A well-dressed man, Roger Raddicio, approaches an attractive woman, Saundra Sanders)
Roger- Hello miss...I hate to bother you but we're looking for converts to our new religion.
Saundra- That's a new one...what kind of religion is it?
Roger- That's where you come in.
Roger- Yep. Problem is most religions are too exclusionary...you know, no drunkenness, sex, greed. You know the drill. Our new religion will embrace hedonism in all its forms.
Saundra- So everyone can do what they want?
Roger- Well...its still got to be a consensus...but, given that most people are totally out for whatever's fun, we figure our religion is destined to be pretty cool. Originally, we had knocked aorund the idea of basing our religion on automotive repair.
Saundra- That is practical because, after all, most of us drive...But why are you guys looking to start up a new religion anyway?
Roger- Call it boredom...call it skepticism at current religions...call it an excuse for more paid holidays.
Saundra- Aren't you concerned that people will think you're just blaspheming against current religions?
Roger- Well...what would a religion be without some naysayers, am I right?
Saundra- I guess...now,This might be an awkward question but, if you're working for a start up religion, how are you funded?
Roger- Guilty celebrities mostly. You know, actors who've made heaps of money and now feel guilty about it...just being actors and all and now out discovering the cure for cancer.
Saundra- Do you have any pamphlets of your new religion?
Roger- oh...no, not yet, we're having our marketing team put together something right now.
Saundra- What's the name of your religion?
Roger- alright...keep it mind we're a new religion and haven't exactly market tested things yet.
Roger- Anyhow...the working title of our religion is "davis"
Saundra- Davis...your religion's name is Davis?
Roger- I'll admit, it doesn't exactly scream sacredness.
Saundra- Do you have a business card for your religion?
Roger- No, but...I could write my contact information on this discarded straw wrapper I have in my pocket...(reaches desperately in pocket) You don't mind if I write my contact information with pencil do you? Damn...I only have a number #4 pencil...ah well, better faint than not at all (He begins to write). So, now that I've given you the whole song and dance about our religion, what about you, what do you do for a living?
Saundra- That's an interesting question...actually, I'm an escort for the handicapped.
Roger- What, like a nurse?
Saundra- No, more of an actual escort.
Roger- So you date the handicapped for a living? In what way are these peple handicapped?
Saundra- Blind mostly.
Saundra- I did try to be an escort for sighted men but if you haven't noticed, I'm not the most attractive woman in th e world. Not that I'm ugly, mind you...I know that much from the random homeless person who whistles at me in the street. But I'm not what you would call in the upper echelon of attractiveness.
Roger- nah, I think you're selling yourself short. I think you could rack up a fair amount of sighted clients too.
Saundra- Thanks! That's the nicest compliment I've gotten in a while. Oh, I'm sorry, I just realized I'm hogging your time. 'm sure you want to talk to other potential converts.
Roger- You're not holding me up...If I can reach out and touch one person, its worth it.
Saundra- Touch being the operative word.
Roger- So, you think I'm coming onto you.
Saundra- call it divine perception.
Roger- good one. So, tell me more about your career...how do you meet your blind clients.
Saundra- Mostly, I just bump into them...or they bump into me.Actually, Its mostly a word of mouth business but like you, I'm always on the lookout for new converts.
Roger- Yeah. You know, come to think of it, I doubt our parents would have willingly carved out these particular career paths for us.
Saundra- True but then again, we didn't turn out so badly after all. My mom would be glad I'm finally finding religion...albeit a kind of made up religion.
Roger- And my parents would love that I met a girl who helps those less fortunate for a living...although the term "helping" is a bit general for what you really do.
Saundra- Yeah...hey, lets go grab a cup of coffee somewhere. Do you know of a place around here?
(Suddenly a voice breaks out in a thunderous bellow and a lightning flash/thunder is heard on the soundtrack. Then, a bearded individual, Lordo, dressed in a floral robe and staff steps forward)
Lordo- Halt and behold...I am the Lord, God!
Roger- Hey, hold on buddy...I was working this corner.
Lordo- I am the one true God, I do not need to solicit people on street corners to believe in me.
Saundra- Pardon me for being skeptical, sir but you do sort of resemble a junior high school version of what God really looks like with your staff and robe.
Lordo-...and I thought I was dressing retro...no matter...In any event, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation.
Roger- So, do we get the Lord's stamp of approval or what?
Lordo- Confidentially speaking, your religion could use a little work. Being popular is fine and all but to be a good and lasting religion, you've got to do something to instill a little fear and awe...give people a reason to stick to it...fear of eternal hell seems to work pretty good most of the time.
Roger- Interesting point.
Lordo- and that name of your religion, "Davis", that's a real stinker!
Saundra- what about me? Any Godly wisdoms for me?
Lordo- Not in particular. You have managed to carve out a very unique life path for yourself...I would advise, though, to take it down a notch on the lip gloss...but in geneeral, I would say you're two meeting here today was very providential.
Roger- Really? How's that?
Lordo- I'll leave that to you to discover, in the meantime, enjoy your lives, enjoy eachother.
Saundra- Thanks Lord.
Lordo- Call me Lordo, if you like, it has a more regular guy appeal.
Saundra- Okay, will do.
Lordo- Anyhow, gotta run...universe to run and all.
Roger- We understand, b-bye Lordo!
Lordo- Cheers, folks! (he dissapears in a poof and another lightening crash)
Saundra- Do you think that really was God?
Roger- Nah, more like a performance artist...but he did make some valid points...and he was right about your lip gloss.
Roger- Anyway, lets go to the coffee shop ( They turn to leave and then Lordo's voice bellows over the soundtrack)
Lordo- Have fun you guys!
Scene 1: A man, Sal Vincente, and a woman, Karen Odus are seated side by side on a bench. Periodically, the man sneaks looks at the woman who is reading a newspaper. After a while, the woman lays down her newspaper dramatically.
Karen- I couldn't help noticing that you were looking at me.
Sal- (embarrassed) Uh, I'm sorry...I have a lazy eye which often stays fixed in one position...I can't tell you how many people think I'm looking at them...but I'm really not.
Karen- (laughs slightly) You shouldn't feel embarrassed. Its natural to look at other people.
Sal- In my case its just a condition.
Karen- Okay, you have a condition...staring at women.
Sal- Look, do you want me to show you a doctor's note?
Karen- no, its okay.
(Suddenly another man, Syrus Nordstrom, happens by)
Syrus- How are you?
Karen- This guy was staring at me.
Sal- I said I wasn't.
Karen- He says he has some eye condition.
Syrus- Yeah? well, let me check it out...I'm an optometrist.
Sal- L-look buddy, I'm already under a doctor's care.
Syrus- Oh really? Are they one of those pretend doctors?
Sal- No...he's got an office.
Syrus- (goes over and appears to examine Sal's eyes) Sir, it doesn't appear you have anything wrong with your eyes.
Sal- How can you tell? The lights not even good here.
Syrus- It's obvious your lieing.
Sal- Maybe I should just go...(Gets up to go)
Syrus- Suit yourself, you obviously don't have strength behind your convictions.
Sal- How's that? (sits back down)
Syrus- You were positively leering at Karen and were proven to have no medical reason to do so. But now, you won't own up to your indescretion.
Sal- I don't owe you anything.
Syrus- I think you do to this woman. You've publicly violated her.
Sal- Well...now your just exagerating.
Karen- I agree. That's a stretch. This guy was definetely exhibiting creepy behavior but I don't think you can extrapolate his misconduct into a violation. Now, if he'd tried to touch or sniff me...that would be a different story.
Syrus- I think he possibly could have. I think he wanted to test the waters with a little light leering, then, if given any encouragement, to move on to more direct aberrant physical contact.
Sal- If I liked her, why couldn' I have tried to talk to her.
Syrus- That's not how animals like you operate. you simply respond to direct stimuli by primitive impulses: staring, salivating and the like...to talk would envolve far more of a complex response that your capable of.
Sal- Hmmm...you seem a tad overly interested in my impulses...is it just me, or do all men fascinate you?
Karen- Alright you two...enough.
Syrus - (to Karen) He's just taking the coward's way out.
Sal- That so.
Syrus- Yes, its obvious you love her.
Sal- Now I love her?
Syrus- Well...your commited anyway. You won't leave after I've insulted you up and down.
Sal- My honor is at stake.
Karen- Alright look...(looking at Sal) I'll go out with you.
Sal- You will?
Syrus- You will?
Karen- Fact is...I was a little intrigued...until you mentioned you had some kind of wierd eye condition. But then, when I found out you were lieing it was ok.
Syrus- But how can you date a proven liar?
Karen- Oh please, all men are liars.
Syrus- But he's skeevy.
Sal- What do you care if she goes out with me or not.
Syrus- Care? I don't care...but there has to be some standards.
Sal- Yeah, well what if your all screwed up about me dating Karen because you really have the hots for her...
Syrus- I have nothing but the utmost respect for Karen.
Sal- Sure, that's what's motivating you...respect?
Karen- Syrus, is this true? Do you have feelings for me.
Syrus- I...I enjoy our time together.
Sal- What a revelation...well, Karen...when would you like to go out?
Karen- Just a minute...Syrus, do you have hidden feelings for me?
Syrus- I won't just stand here and verbalize my feelings in front of this troll.
Sal- Don't worry about me. I won't pass judgement on you. Pretend I wasn't here.
Syrus- Karen, let's discuss this later.
Sal- I agree. Right now me and Karen were scheduling a date.
Syrus- Obviously, the social event of the season.
Sal- You had your chance with her...you just didn't have the guts to admit it.
Syrus- Guts...what about your pathetic lies about your eye condition. You had to be cornered into a wall before you admitted you were a true weasal.
Sal- God, you're still on that...that was so long ago.
Syrus- Can you believe this guy?
Karen- Do you or do you not have feelings for me?
Syrus- I...You know I do.
Karen- No...you've never so much as hinted that you...
Syrus- Sould it have made a difference.
Karen- You clod. Why do you think I always hang around here? Do you think I just sit around here and wait for some perv like this guy to start looking at me?
Syrus- Well, Jesus Christ...let's go then.
Sal- Hey what about me? We were just in the middle of scheduling a date...
Karen- Oh...this is awkward.
Syrus- Yes...a little.
Karen- I'm sorry to have bothered you today Mr....Mr...
Karen- Mr. Absente...
Sal- It's Vincente...
Karen- Anyhow, so long now (Both karen and Syrus walk off arm in arm)
Sal- (left alone) Well, this sucks! Toy with a man's emotions will you?! Think we men just snap back, huh? That what Oprah tells you?! oh, to hell with it!!! ( Throws his hands up in the air in resignation and walks off)
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